If you’ve never been through mediation before, walking into that first session can feel a little daunting. What will it look like? Who talks first? What if we disagree right away? What should I bring?
The good news: first sessions are specifically designed to be low-pressure. The goal isn’t to resolve everything on day one — it’s to get everyone oriented, understand the full picture, and build a foundation for the work ahead. Here’s exactly what you can expect.
Before the Session: A Brief Check-In
Before your first joint session, your mediator will typically have a brief individual call or meeting with each spouse separately. This isn’t to take sides — it’s to understand each person’s concerns, answer any initial questions, and make sure mediation is appropriate for your situation.
At Bacosa Family Law, this initial check-in is part of your free consultation. It’s also a chance for you to ask any questions you have before the process begins.
What to Bring to Your First Session
You don’t need to arrive with everything organized — that’s what the process is for. But it helps to bring or have accessible:
- A general sense of your assets and debts — real estate, retirement accounts, vehicles, significant personal property, and any joint debts.
- Your approximate monthly income and your spouse’s, if known.
- If children are involved: their ages, current school/care arrangements, and any special needs.
- Any concerns or priorities you want to make sure are addressed — you don’t need to have solutions, just topics.
You don’t need to bring financial statements or documents to a first session unless your mediator specifically requests them. That level of detail typically comes in later sessions.
The Opening: Ground Rules and Agenda
The mediator begins by explaining the process, establishing ground rules, and reviewing confidentiality. In California, everything discussed in mediation is legally protected under Evidence Code §1119 — it cannot be used in court if mediation is unsuccessful. Understanding this often helps people relax and speak more openly.
The mediator will then work with both of you to identify the issues that need to be resolved. These typically fall into a few categories:
- Property and debt division — the family home, retirement accounts, bank accounts, vehicles, credit cards.
- Spousal support — whether it applies, in what amount, and for how long.
- Child custody and visitation — legal custody, physical custody, a parenting schedule.
- Child support — calculated using California’s guideline formula.
Not every couple has all of these issues. Some have already agreed on several items and only need help with one or two. The first session establishes exactly what’s on the table for your specific situation.
The Conversation: How It Actually Works
Mediation sessions are structured conversations, not debates. The mediator guides the discussion, ensures both people have a chance to speak, and keeps things moving forward. You are not there to argue your case — you’re there to work through problems together.
| “Mediation sessions are structured conversations, not debates. You’re not there to argue your case — you’re there to work through problems together.” |
If a conversation becomes heated, the mediator may call a brief break, shift to a different topic, or — if your situation calls for it — conduct portions of the session separately (this is called a “caucus”). There is no pressure to reach agreement in the first session. The goal is progress, not a complete resolution.
What Usually Gets Accomplished in Session One
By the end of a typical first session, most couples have:
- A clear list of all the issues that need to be resolved.
- A sense of which topics will require more discussion and which might be resolved quickly.
- A plan for what information to gather before the next session.
- A scheduled date for session two.
Some couples make real progress on substantive issues in the first session. Others use it primarily as an orientation meeting. Either outcome is completely normal.
After the Session: Next Steps
Your mediator will typically summarize what was discussed and outline what each party should do before the next session — whether that’s gathering financial documents, researching housing values, or simply thinking through priorities.
Most couples complete the full mediation process in two to four sessions. Some more complex cases — those involving a family business, significant assets, or multiple contested custody issues — may require a few more. Your mediator will give you a realistic picture of the timeline based on your specific situation after session one.
A Note on Having Your Own Attorney
Participating in mediation does not mean giving up access to legal advice. You can — and often should — have an independent attorney available to answer questions between sessions and to review the final agreement before you sign. This can be done on a limited-scope basis, which keeps costs manageable. At Bacosa Family Law, we regularly provide this kind of attorney support to mediation participants who want legal guidance without full representation.
| Ready to schedule your first session? Call or text 747.230.7163 for a free consultation · bacosafamilylaw.com/contact |